This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize