dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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