Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
So much Jack, so little girl.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
