don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
