if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
a search helicopter?!
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
