I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
