the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
