When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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