Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
