Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
