# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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