I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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