I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Randomize
