Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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