I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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