This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
