i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
