Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
