I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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