I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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