I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
