I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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