I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
