seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Damn victory sex feels great
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize