Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
