you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
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Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
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Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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