he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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