My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
