the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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