those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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