Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
