So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
