can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
It's official drugs can't kill me
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
