My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
