I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
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