My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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