I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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