when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
