I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
