yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I seem to have left my pride at pride
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
