i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
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