Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
