I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Randomize
