I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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