He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
