The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
