why do cheetos always look like penises
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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