my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
He has the fingertips of a God
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
