I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
