Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
