i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
