I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
