I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I need to align my fucking chakras
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
