the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
