My boss' voice literally gives me gas
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
