I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
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She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
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Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
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