a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I just want to make out with him forever
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
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